Masterchef Auditions: I think I have gone certifiably insane.


I love food and I love to cook. My busy life has taken me out of the kitchen for awhile. Except for the occasional recipe here or there when I have a Saturday night free, my meals consist of (healthy) Trader Joe’s frozen food, er should I say Trader Ming’s and take-out from Whole Foods Market. So, tonight I surprised myself. While watching one of my favorite shows on TV, Masterchef I decided to apply on a whim… and guess what I got an audition! (or so the website confirmation says.) I think I am fucking crazy. Certifiable. Insane. Out of my mind. Yes, crazy… crazy… crazy. How can I do this? I mean I am jumping the gun, assuming quite arrogantly that the judges — the wannabe (producers) Gordon Ramsey’s of the world — will choose me. But why not exude confidence, they will pick me. So, can I do this? I’m balls-y. I loathe Joe Bastianich and his stupid mother. Graham Elliot is a pussy and Gordon Ramsey is so damn full of himself, thinking he is god, that he annoys me. When I watch the show I am often screaming at them absentmindedly thinking they will hear me through the TV. “Yes, Chef”… hmph, you will never hear me say that, I am fucking lawyer, Joe you must address me as Esquire! Why? Because I’m better. And really, “Yes, Chef” What did these assholes do to earn that respect? Who is Graham Elliot or Joe Bastianich. Why do I have to bow to them? They need to bow to me. And, if Joe throws out one of my dishes, I will pick it out of the garbage and throw it in his face. Masterchef FOOD FIGHT. Suck it Joe Bastianich. So, yes I am crazy to embark on this journey, but my food is amazing. I AM a masterchef. It will be a hilarious wild ride if I get on the show and if I do, and I don’t make it to the end, I will have won when and only when I have the chance to tell all three of those cocky dicks, especially Joe Bastianich off. Their arrogance will be taken down a notch when I meet them.

‘Til season 6…


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